Right now, I am a lost and scared little thing.
I was thrown there by the past as a kite in the sky. I now wait for someone to tell me how to move on, how to keep on walking on that road called Life.
Right now, I am merely nothing. My own self being the representation of this moment, of that specific instant between what I was and what I will be. The space between no longer and not yet. I don’t even truly exist.
I know action may only be implemented right here and right now. How stressing this moment can be, so dreadful but so essential. It is so significant — it will determine the future, the day after, the year after. I can feel anxiety growing all around, clinging to me as second skin.
I am quite and simply devastated, suffocating under an incredible amount of pressure.
“Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting.” ~ Haruki Murakami
I know I need to act now, to do something with the time being, but I am not capable of even moving. It is all trapped inside.
I can see and imagine my present drifting away, as the minutes go I can feel it escaping, I breathe in and out but nothing gets transformed, nothing gets created. It will be gone, forever gone, in a second… in the time it takes for a breath. Surely this instant could be a world of possibilities.
I could turn it to gold if I were able. I could build a dreamed future. I could gather my strengths and make me proud of myself, but I am totally frozen. Caught in anxiety.
The present is where I am supposed to be and act out of, but I am a lost little child, and I don’t know what to do with it. I need to catch it, but I cannot find anything great enough to fill it with. I need a reason to be, a magical idea or maybe a cause, something to stand up for. Anything brilliant, before it flies away.
I need to act right here and right now to save the future — to save my skin. But it is just me now, surrounded by all my uncertainties.
I am nothing but a transparent bridge between who I was and who I will be — an imperceptible thread.
I can feel everything could be spoilt by my own self if I fail in all the present instants. If I transform life into a series of moments like this one. I need to choose a side, but I am torn between Life and Death, between fighting for life, movement, progress and giving up.
It’s the bridge of Life, with our present being the link between the past and the future.
I am not just that instant full of insecurities.
I am also that little girl with her crazy flames. I am all her sparkling hopes; I can feel them deep inside: her shy follies, her dancer’s dreams, her savant ballets. I am all these people that made this little brunette become who I am now.
I can feel their calm strength, I still hear the magic words, still see their gentle smiles, furtive, discreet, behind the paintings. I still see my father coming around with flowers; I am full of recollections from our sunny past.
I can now feel that little girl deep inside; she leaps in my guts, seeks a way out to make a jolly, hoppy game of the present. I feel all the idealistic scents of the past, both inside and outside. I have surrounded and stolen them.
I am her too. The young woman I was a few years ago. She is fighting — struggling for a way out here in our crazy world. She is so sincere; she is such a true thing amongst our lying world. She is music, passion, freedom and adventures. She travels, finds herself and gets lost, and finds her way back.
She is decorating the world with ideas, and I still feel her swirling current in my brain.
On this transparent bridge, I am with her. We are fearless — she doesn’t need any mold, any man or anyone to be herself. She is my energy of today.
Look, I am not nothing, I am all the past victories. All the roads we have opened, all the intense travels we have gone through, both far away and deep inside.
I am all the smiles we have run into. The friends who have stayed there from the beginning, bearing the ups and downs of life — the ones who have never turned their back in spite of the turbulences. I am all the stretched hands, the laughing smiles.
I am all the people we have loved, the occasions of destiny, the ones still around and the missing ones. I still hear their voices deep inside, the purple and soft melody of a gentle past. I am the ones who have revealed our potential, bringing us to our reality, opening new ways.
I do remember their sentences, their heartwarming looks, and their loving embraces.
I also still hear the Machiavellian sentences of betrayals, the actions of devil, dishonest and brutal words, all the lessons we took with us as a luggage of life knowledge. They made us the warrior we are now.
We are an assortment of colored paintings, gathering what we took from pink days and from the greyest ones. We are all our victories, the unexpected recoveries, our unpredicted failures, an encyclopedia of feelings, of shared and unforgettable moments.
I am all the places we have seen, all the people we have met in other worlds, through time and space. I am all the faces I may never see again. We have tied on our hearts our powerful words, we will remain connected thanks to photographed icons of a festal past.
I am all the places we have been to. They keep the memory of our cheerful paces, our grateful gazes.
I am all of them… all of these.
And with these recollections — the whole secret box — I will get back on my feet. I feel the strength coming back, their strength, and it goes up from my belly, down from my tears, and adds roots firmly under my heart.
I am not nothing. I can now feel them all behind my back. That is where the magic key is, and I don’t want to disappoint them.
I can feel them carrying me, bringing me upwards. We are all together. They make me feel just as a part of Life, a part of the same shared issues, an illustration of the madness of our paths.
We all are lost little children fighting with our own crazy worlds, but all on this puzzling boat called Life. We stand there all together.
I am Life. We are Life.
Published on Rebelle Society